My heart is broken and my bed is empty, but it was really his bed anyways. As I sit in my room alone, staring at his favorite stuffed animal (a big colorful worm) in it's slightly chewed eyes, I channel the memory of how he use to greet me with it almost every time I walked through the front door. Even if I only stepped out of the house for a couple of minutes to check the mail, or go to the laundry room, he would still grab it each time and walk around excitedly that I was back. It was cute many times, but eventually it got annoying to see how pathetic and ridiculous he was to be separated from me. However, now I feel like I’m the pathetic one sleeping with that worm in my bed every night, yearning for another moment with that cute, ridiculous dog in my life.
What could I possibly say about him that could explain how much he meant to me, what he did for me, and who he helped me become. I could write story after story of our greatest hits together, from the thousands of walks we took, to car rides all over Florida, to daily home depot trips (his favorite spot), to FSU tailgates/events, to work at the Shabooms headquarters, to all of adventures across the country, but I don’t think any of the times were more special and meaningful than the past year that we spent in New York.
When I made the decision to move to New York, the thought never crossed my mind to not do it because it would be tougher with him. Although life with a great dane was always a bit more difficult in certain situations (apartment hunting, traveling, having nice things), I knew that I would make it work there with him just like I did everywhere else. As with all great things (no pun intended), they don’t come easy, but if you learn to embrace that road of difficulty, you will find that it will yield more than you could possibly imagine in return. So instead of him being a burden, he ended up becoming my courage, my strength, and my foundation for the big move. As much as he needed me, I realized that I needed him more. We were a team, it was a relationship, and this was life.
When we finally arrived to New York just over a year ago the magic could be felt instantaneously, and it shows in my journal that I wrote on that day. The memory is so vivid it feels as if I can jump right back into that exact moment. It is a memory that will forever remain in my heart.
10/11/16
“Thank God that I don’t have much stuff in general to move in because going up 4 floors with no elevator is hell. However I just looked at is as my workout for the day instead of hitting the gym. After about 10 trips, and Tiger crying each time I went down, I then decided to take him to Central Park. It’s only 1 block away and one of the main reasons why I took this apartment. The weather was amazing out, probably in the low 60′s and sunny with a few clouds in the sky. It seemed almost surreal the way the sun was reflecting off the clouds and buildings, lighting up the sky with a heaven like feel. While walking at that moment I had a moment of pure bliss with Tiger and I together “besties” walking through Central Park. A big smile lit up on my face for I knew I was now living my dream!”
The city was ours and Tiger quickly adapted to the new surroundings. From walks in central park, to subway rides, to photo shoots, to exploring the streets, to great dane meet-ups, to winter time cuddle sessions, to playing in the snow, we were on fire and our bond grew even stronger. However as many great days and happy times we experienced, there were off days, days I felt rundown from him, days he would annoy me, days he would test my patience, and days he would teach me lessons that I would have to pay for (eating my roommates food off the counter). I always would say that he will teach you a lesson, but it’s up to you to recognize it, learn from it and adapt to his presence. He was work, a lot of work at times, but the reward far outweighed the effort it took from me. Through all of the tough times, came the great times, but I eventually learned to cherish all of the times. Life wasn't perfect with him but he was perfect to me, and no matter what else was going on in my mind or my life, at the end of the day he was always still there.
He was the first thing I woke up to and the last thing I fell asleep to. It got to a point where people from back home would ask me if I was dating anyone or who I was hanging out with, and I would answer simply with the name Tiger. They would laugh, but it was true. I was happy, and he was all that I needed. Rather than being around people that might distract me or drag me down, I bet on a sure thing with him. He lifted me up. I knew friends would come along in time, but for now I just put my head down, stayed focused and kept doing me, and doing me was hanging with my best friend. Over the last few months I started taking the time to sit and write each day during our walks together. It became a daily ritual and he picked up on it as usual. Here are some of the entries that included him, and I think together they describe our relationship best.
7/22/17
“Smile more, look at tiger he is there in front of you to bring you happiness to fill voids”
7/23/17
“I’m spending my birthday with my best friend. He wants to hang out with me. He wants to play. He wants to give me love. He has no complaints. He pushes me to the limit. He is a thing of beauty. As I sit on the bench listening to music, looking out at the water, I realize there's something so special right in front of my face. Listen to him, look at him, love him. He is your best friend.”
7/30/17
“Great Dane meet up. The things I do for my pup like wake up a 6am to take him. I decided to let him off the leash today. He ruined that pretty quickly for us, locking down on the back of another dogs neck. He's a regulator, a free bird, he will put others in their place if necessary, and needs to be in control. He takes after me. He is happy and that's all that matters, and that makes me happy.”
8/3/17
“Inspiration is in the line of sight, just open your eyes, observe Tiger, he is so innocent and carefree, learn from him.”
8/6/17
“Let tiger lead you to places you don’t want to go, he is showing you the beauty of life, the beauty of him, the beauty of what is possible. Stop rushing and just inhale the moment. Look out onto the water and be at peace. We have each other. He is showing me how to love again.”
8/12/17
“Tiger is pathetic. I love him but a break from him is a much needed.”
8/22/17
“Back in town. Back to walking the beast in the morning. Tiger will never stop testing my patience. Embrace it though, he is your best friend”
8/25/17
“I am in a rush sometimes and I don’t know why. Like rushing to get through my walk with tiger quickly. I guess i feel like I need to get started with the other things in my day, but this is my time, my time to write, my time to get inspired, my time with him. I can learn more from him if i let myself. He learned that I sit at benches so when we pass them now he looks at me like is this the spot we are sitting? I give him kisses, and hugs, I smile, it’s a happy place. Don’t rush these moments.”
8/27/17
“I have this realization tonight watching tiger do something I’ve seen him do a million times. He searches for the scent, he pees, he leaves his mark, and he keeps looking for new places to leave the next one. He is teaching me to apply it to my life. Smell or sense the opportunity to make your mark. Make a lot of marks everywhere, so your scent takes over other peoples senses. Keep scoping out new places and ways to make marks everyday.”
8/29/17
“I let tiger lead me to the dog park today. He is magnificent the way he runs and plays in the park. He is happy which makes me happy. Do this more often. I forget that sometimes we are in this together.”
9/2/17
“Tiger is dumb yet so damn smart at the same time”
9/12/17
“Don’t fall victim to society’s traps and the culture that surrounds. Just always remember to love. Give the thing that loves you back even more attention. TIGER!”
9/13/17
“It’s amazing how something so random and small can change your day and outlook. A little girl running up to tiger happily, no fear, only excitement and joy in her eyes, and grabbing tiger by the head and hugging his face. He embraced it and I embraced a huge smile from witnessing it.”
9/14/17
“Find balance, give tiger more love, enjoy yourself more”
9/18/17
“My body aches from the way I slept. Tiger crept into my side and wouldn't move last night. Sometimes I sacrifice my comfort for his.”
9/21/17
“Sitting in the grass watching the sunset at the end of a long day. With tiger, hanging, feeling happy and grateful. How can i not be happy, the breeze, the sunset, the bestie, the perfect setting. Us alone on top of the hill…..feeling on top of the world.”
9/24/17
“I took a walk with tiger that i haven’t done in a while, to a bench I’ve never sat at. A reminder to keep going on new adventures”
10/2/17
“I wake up to tiger throwing up. Its part of being a dad.”
On this last day I wrote about him turned out to be the last morning walk we spent together, but it explains exactly how I felt about him........I was his dad, and I was there to take care of him no matter what.
All I know is that there will be things in your life that change, that change you, and that change your outlook. Most of these things you realize later on, but it’s very special when you are mindful and connected to the change while it’s occurring. I am happy to know that I was present with him. I thanked God for him every night as he laid in bed next to me. I knew exactly what I had, I knew what I was receiving, and now I know what I lost, but I also know what he left me. He left me one last gift. He left me the strength and courage that he bestowed upon me over this past year to continue what we started together. He left me the gift of love, of friendship, of selflessness, of adventure to share with others. And left me the ability to fly higher than ever before, to flourish in a way I couldn't have done with him here, to spread my wings and soar.
“Some say behind every great man is a great woman, but behind me is a great dane”
I didn’t write those words because they sounded good, but for that they reigned true. He blessed me with the gift of his greatness. He wasn’t a dog, he was an angel. He wasn’t a thing, he was a person in a dog’s body. He spoke to me without words. He took my breath away. He opened up my eyes, my mind, my heart in a way I never thought was possible. He was regal, yet goofy. He was stubborn, yet sweet. His personality shined, and he radiated with life. He just wanted to hang out and be part of the crew, but he was never just part of it, he was the leader, he was the show stopper. He would always find a way to leave his mark, whether it was his drool, his dog hair, his “lessons”, his warm breath, his love, his kisses, his head in your face to sniff you, or his body sitting on your lap on his couch (which was any couch he came in contact with). He didn’t just make me a better person, he made the world a better place by providing more smiles, more love, more happiness. He was truly a force to be reckoned with, and anyone who met him could feel it. I was just the lucky one who got to feel it everyday.
So I sit here, in “his bed”, looking at the worm in the eyes realizing nothing will be the same again, and trying to find peace with who I now am, but still hopelessly missing my best friend. My heart may be in pieces, but at least those pieces are still inside of me.
Rest in peace Tiger (my best friend, my son, my teacher, my modeling partner, my love, my strength, my courage, my everything). Lover of water fountains/sinks, tree branches, pizza crusts, cookie cakes, staring down other dogs, endless walks, road trips, Shabooms buses, the worm, and anyone who walked into his life)
Thank you for all of the love, lessons, and memories. Thank you for letting me be part of your entourage. And thank you for helping me become the man I now am. I love you bestie.
